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Are you turning into your Dad?
Old age happens to us all eventually. One day you’re playing Xbox until 3am, the next you can’t remember where you left it. However, it is possible to still act and feel young even though your bladder is in full revolt. Just look at Michael Douglas. Despite the recent health scare and having a face like a chimp’s scrotum, he’s clearly enjoying life. He may be a father but he doesn’t behave like a dad. With that in mind, here’s a little questionnaire that may stop you turning into your old man.
1: It’s a cold winter’s night and your partner wants to turn up the thermostat. Do you?
a) Turn it way up, strip down to your shorts and hold an impromptu Hawaiian party
b) Set the temperature to a comfortable level, being mindful of the extra energy use
c) Tell her to put on a bigger sweater and then post an armed guard on the dial
2: Do you see the Interstate speed limit as?
a) A challenge
b) An arbitrary figure – breaking it by a few mph can’t hurt
c) The absolute maximum, which should be reduced in adverse conditions, like night time
3: You are watching a new release DVD movie with friends and family. Do you?
a) Time the beer runs during the boring, non-nudey bits
b) Watch intently so as not to miss any plot twists
c) Go on about the lack of realism, poor acting and then spoil the ending with only 15 minutes to go
4: What is your opinion of slippers?
a) Are they a new brand of condoms?
b) They can be useful – in dirty hotel rooms, for example
c) The decline in the number of slipper wearers is directly linked to the ongoing collapse of society
5: What is a typical New Year’s Eve for you?
a) Don’t know. Haven’t remembered one yet
b) A few drinks with friends until 2am
c) Sitting by the phone, ready to call the cops at the first hint of noise
6: Would you say that Kristen Bell is?
a) Smoking hot. Man, I would wreck that chick!
b) Very attractive, but I’m a one woman man now
c) A telephone company
7: Do you consider children to be?
a) Real passion killers, especially if they walk in while you’re doing their mom
b) The adults of tomorrow
c) Knife-wielding parasites
8: How many power tools do you own?
a) Does my booty call’s vibrator count?
b) Just a versatile cordless drill/screwdriver
9: What’s the most important feature when buying a car?
a) Awesome rims and a kick ass stereo
b) Practicality. If it’s stylish too, that’s a bonus
c) Similar fuel consumption to a leaf blower
10: Before going out, what’s the last thing you pick up?
a) Your stash
b) Your cellphone
c) Your medical insurance card
So, how did you do? Read on…
Mostly A’s: There’s no danger of you ever turning into your dad. You’ll be dead long before that happens.
Mostly B’s: You’re well-balanced and sensible but still cling onto the fun things in life. Just be careful and seek help the second you start talking about central heating to anyone other than a repairman.
Mostly C’s: Amazing! It’s possible that you are more dad-like than your dad. What are you doing on a site like Swagger? Surely you should be pestering the police about skateboarding kids or something?
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About the author
Jack Leonard spends his time flying Boeing 747s around the world for a British airline. Not content with being paid good money for essentially playing a massive video game, he uses his spare time to write humorous articles and abuse pointless, annoying celebrities. In the case of Justin Bieber, he believes this abuse is a public service. Jack lives in London with his wife, Lila. Fortunately for mankind, there are no offspring.
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