Dear Crabby…An Advice Column from Your Unfriendly Neighborhood Depressive

Dear Crabby,
Where’s the best place to get my hair cut in L.A.?

- Dan

———-

Dan,

In all of my years on this planet, I don’t think I’ve ever received a good haircut — but that’s probably because I’m cheap and I continue to go to places like Supercuts, Fantastic Sam’s and Billy’s Burger and a Haircut.

However, I’ve gotten enough horrible cuts to know what to avoid:

1. Anyone who asks you, “What number?”

I know some haircut places like to use those extended beard trimmer looking things with levels, and that’s fine…but if the person doesn’t follow up the number with a little trimming, they might as well bite it off.  Be sure to ask for scissors whenever you can.

2. Anyone who appears to have Parkinson’s.

I know you don’t want to be insensitive and discriminate against the guy with a disease, but better to be prejudiced for a minute and get a decent cut from someone else than give into the guy who asks –

Dude with Parkinson’s: {arms flailing around} “Just a trim?”

– and end up having to go to the emergency room for stitches.

Note to Self: Movie idea — a man with Parkinson’s who wants to become the world’s best hairstylist.

3. Anyone with a mullet.

I mean, c’mon.  Isn’t that illegal?  You can’t cut hair if you have a mullet.  That’s like being a fat nutritionist.  Or a fat personal trainer.  Or an idealistic middle school teacher.

4. Anyone whose turnaround on haircuts is under two minutes.

If you see a guy or girl looking like they’re going for the world record for least snips possible to constitute a haircut — snip, snip, snip…  “Done.” — go with the “What number?” lady instead.

5. Anyone who works at Billy’s Burger and a Haircut.

I cannot stress this enough.  If the place where you receive your haircut is combined with…well, anything — just don’t go, not even for the other thing they do aside from haircuts.

* * *
Finally, here are two helpful hints:

1. Bring a picture.

Whether it’s a picture of one of your more decent haircuts or just a photo of a celebrity whose hair you like, it’s better that your stylist see what you’re going for than have to listen to you explain, “I mean, I guess it’s like it is now, but shorter on the sides, kind of layered, you know what I mean?  And then, like streaks, but not streaks exactly.  More like…have you ever seen one of those blue butterflies with the black around it?  Morpho anaxibia, I believe?”

NOTE: This doesn’t always work.  I once brought in a picture of Jude Law and the Asian lady finished cutting my hair and said –

Asian lady: “Voila! Jew Lah!”

I examined my very puffy hair, and agreed –

Josh: “Yeah, that’s right. Jew Law.”

2. When in doubt, go with the gay guy.

Not just because gays are stereotypically more precise or fastidious, but because gays are stereotypically more interesting.  I frequently get my hair cut by a flamboyant gay man who tells me he’s “feeling royal and shitting diamonds.”  Additionally, he often recites poetry during the haircut.  I believe the most recent one was –

Hairstylist: “And after I drink the chocolate blood / They put me on trial for what I have done / For naught is a man who suppresses his soul / Outside you see trash; inside I am gold”

Worst haircuts I ever get, but at least he puts on a good show.

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