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eHarmony Sucks! 5 Alternative Dating Sites
According to a 2009 study reproduced by Time, almost 30% of couples found their mate online. Already makes you want to wipe out the entire human race here and now, doesn’t it? Adding insult to injury, the TV ads for eHarmony and Match.com always feature accountants and nutritionists who look as much fun as a bout of dysentery. Surely, we thought, there has to be something better out there? Obviously, as a regular visitor to SWAGGER.la, you’re far more likely to meet your life partner (or night partner) in a happening bar. However, should you be bored at work or unable to get out due to, say, an unfortunate meeting of leg and band saw, why not cast a glance over these interesting alternatives:
Thousands of gold-diggers flock to this site like bees to honey, each hoping to attract one of the few legitimate male millionaires. This is great for mere mortal males because the girls need to make an instant impression via their profile picture. The result is the greatest line-up of eye candy, pneumatic breasts and platinum-blond hair this side of the Playboy Mansion. It is possible to subscribe and search “millionaire babes/chicks/girls” – a gold medal proves they are – but it’s not recommended. As a quick guide: Ugly = Millionaire Super Fit = Not Millionaire.
Now, while the idea of a site dedicated entirely to weed smokers seems like a great idea, there are one or two fatal flaws. Even if they can remember who they spoke to the previous night, most dopers would then forget to turn up on the date. The ones who made it would then enjoy a night journeying between hysterical laughter and psychotic paranoia. Mind you, it would be a cheap date. How much are Snickers and a bag of chips these days?
Yes, it’s exactly what it sounds but, hey, why be punished forever because of that one night in Tijuana? Sufferers of various STDs are introduced to others with the same condition, working on the basis that you can only catch them once. It’s basically the sexual equivalent of Double Jeopardy. Once again, the site has been hijacked by the Russian-bride mafia. There are many profiles with names like ‘Katya’, listing their STD as ‘other.’ It’s a fair bet that anyone sleeping with these girls will contract ‘empty-wallet syndrome.’
No, don’t click away! Think about it. This is not just for Trekkies – all Sci-Fi genres are catered for. Unless you grew up in Alabama, believing aliens were only interested in your butt, there’s a pretty good chance you have a dark fantasy lurking somewhere at the back of your mind. Whether it’s Lt. Uhura’s miniskirt, Seven of Nine’s figure-hugging suit or even Ripley in her Alien panties, every male has one. Imagine listening to Klingon pillow-talk or having the Borg assimilate your brains out! On the downside, there are very few profiles with pictures attached so there is a very good chance they actually look like Klingons.
We’re sure this is the most appropriate dating site for our readers. Their slogan is ‘Online Dating Minus Ugly People!’ which is the best, and worst, tag line ever. They should have called their site AryanRacedating.com and be done with it. There is a comprehensive questionnaire asking if visitors have, for example, webbed feet or weird pubes. Also, those with crooked teeth, sweaty cracks and pasty skin need not apply. Having said that, every page is full of hotties and 90% of them seem to come from California which saves on travel expenses!
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About the author
Jack Leonard spends his time flying Boeing 747s around the world for a British airline. Not content with being paid good money for essentially playing a massive video game, he uses his spare time to write humorous articles and abuse pointless, annoying celebrities. In the case of Justin Bieber, he believes this abuse is a public service. Jack lives in London with his wife, Lila. Fortunately for mankind, there are no offspring.
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