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We’re All Doomed! 5 Hollywood Endings for LA
If Hollywood is to be believed then few of us will make it to old age. The advent of CGI and investors with more money than sense has led to an avalanche of disaster movies in recent years. Normally, TV gets the localized non-sexy catastrophes like mega tornados, while movie theaters treat audiences to more spectacular world fails. In both cases though, Los Angeles appears to take a beating far more than any other city. One possible reason is geographical location – sitting atop an active fault line next to the Pacific – but it’s just as likely that studios are scrimping on travel expenses. Most of these digital turds are fantasy, the product of a drug-fuelled hallucination where Nature bitch slaps the planet. However, once in a while the producers’ crystal balls are dead on: Three Mile Island happened only 12 days after the release of The China Syndrome. So why die alone in a piss-soaked bed when you could be vaporized, crushed, shredded or even eaten by one of these?
This natural disaster has been done to death but, despite the worst case scenarios portrayed by films such as 2012, is unlikely to punt L.A. into the Pacific. So much has been learned from past quakes that modern buildings ought to survive even the biggest tremor intact. Of course, that’s not much of a consolation if you end up sliced in half by a falling pane of glass.
Gruesome Death Rating: 2/5
The movie of the same name, in which Tommy Lee Jones plays, well, Tommy Lee Jones, ends with a novel use for the L.A. River. Unfortunately, we’ll never get to see this for real because, according to men with throbbing brains, the plates and faults grind in a different way to that which forms volcanoes. Having said that, geologically speaking, Iceland’s unpronounceable volcano barely farted, yet still managed to shut down Western Europe. With unfavorable winds the same might happen to California if Hawaii ever goes bang. Imagine the suffering of all those poor celebrities who would be cut off from the world’s award ceremonies.
Gruesome Death Rating: 0/5
This staple of the disaster movie is always considerate enough to strike when the hero is conveniently near high ground. Following the Haiti earthquakes, scientists realized that underwater landslides had caused the subsequent tidal wave and determined that L.A. could suffer the same fate. Any day now, a 4m high wave could crash inland with little or no warning, leaving devastation and raw sewage in its wake. Good for surfers. Not so good for property prices.
Gruesome Death Rating: 4/5
4) NUCLEAR ANNIHILATION
In spite of what ‘24’ would have you believe, the reality is that terrorists are unlikely to level the City of Angels by splitting the atom. Each time they’ve strayed from their preferred bomb-vest/patsy delivery system it hasn’t quite had the desired effect. To date they’ve failed to blow up a pair of sneakers, some underpants and a Lexmark printer – just how worried should we be about their mastery of thermonuclear physics? They could feasibly get hold of a Cold War suitcase nuke, but remember these were built by the Soviets in the 80′s. Any carrier will be easy to spot because they’ll glow in the dark.
Gruesome Death Rating: 1/5
5) ZOMBIE ATTACK
Hollywood may have used the forces of Nature to destroy Los Angeles on a regular basis but it tends to unleash the undead on more deserving cities. Take the excellent Walking Dead series as an example: while downtown burned and decomposing carcasses lined the streets, the people of Atlanta ripped each other apart! Then it got really bad when the zombies turned up.
But don’t get too complacent. L.A. is now a magnet for virulent Reality TV ‘stars’ and it’s only a matter of time before a Jersey Shore orange dwarf gives VD to someone from The Hills. One unfortunate mutation later and the streets will be full of shuffling monsters, hungry for the brains they don’t have.
Gruesome Death Rating: 5/5
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About the author
Jack Leonard spends his time flying Boeing 747s around the world for a British airline. Not content with being paid good money for essentially playing a massive video game, he uses his spare time to write humorous articles and abuse pointless, annoying celebrities. In the case of Justin Bieber, he believes this abuse is a public service. Jack lives in London with his wife, Lila. Fortunately for mankind, there are no offspring.
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