An Englishman’s Views from Across the Pond

We recently published an article entitled We’re All Doomed!, listing five possible ways Los Angeles might meet its Maker. Although the city has been spared so far, it’s worth noting that three of the six (earthquake, tsunami and volcano) already happened elsewhere.

With natural disasters stalking the Earth, only one ex-public servant had the balls to step up to the plate. Empty balls, as it happened. By ignoring the Do Not Disturb sign on his maid’s chamber, Arnold Schwarzenegger selflessly provided light relief for us all. The shocking revelation that he fathered a child ten years ago was a blessed diversion, giving people something to think about other than Mother Nature’s next bitch slap. Having performed such a generous act, the Sperminator could have been forgiven for expecting a little gratitude from the public. Unfortunately, nothing was further from the truth. The reaction on Twitter was one of outrage, but that was because the time travel jokes had already been done. In the popular press, however, the reactions on either side of the Atlantic were quite different.

In both the US and the UK, voters harbor the impossible expectation that politicians should be perfect in every way. We would never vote for personality-free cyborgs (apart from Dan Quayle), yet we expect them to behave in that manner when elected. This is in stark contrast to how sports personalities and rock stars are perceived. When Gene Simmons claimed he’d bedded more than 4,500 women, it’s a safe bet that none of you thought, “I hope they weren’t married women”. Perhaps because the politicos are running the world, the world expects better.

Where our nations differ becomes apparent as soon as these bozos inevitably fuck up. When Arnie’s story broke, the American newspapers ran columns and letters asking how he was ever allowed to be Governor, when he couldn’t even be trusted to keep Little Arnold on a leash. From this outsider’s point of view, the majority roundly slaughtered the Governator for being a love cheat. That California went bankrupt on his watch didn’t seem to get a look in.

In the UK, we tend to forgive and forget this kind of transgression pretty quickly. It’s not that we’re better people than you, just that we have such a low opinion of our leaders. Until recently, most British politicians were educated in posh schools like Eton; Prince William’s alma mater. With traditions firmly entrenched in the distant past, it is the norm for the younger boys to be treated as servants by older students. Believe it or not, these modern-day slaves are known as ‘Fags’, so is it any wonder they turn out a bit weird? One graduate, who became a Member of Parliament, managed to kill himself through auto-asphyxiation. He was discovered in fishnet stockings with an orange stuffed in his mouth, so please understand if we don’t get too excited about Arnie’s bastard.

In fact, the road to redemption for a British political adulterer is already well-trodden. Following an extra-marital affair, normal procedure is to stand alongside his loving family and beg forgiveness for succumbing to a ‘moment of madness’. This usually works, even if the ‘moment’ in question involved visiting a gay pick-up joint. Four times. A week. For the last five years.

Instead of bad husbands, we Brits tend to focus our anger on hypocritical assholes who insist that the nation is flat broke, only to be caught with their piggy fingers in the cookie jar. In the last such scandal, one elected official claimed nearly $4,000 to maintain the moat on his country estate. With the UK languishing in recession, this lowlife milked public funds to keep his freaking castle’s pond clean. And that’s just one example of the legalized theft. Maybe it’s time for the over-taxed people of our great countries to rise up and dispense justice to the parasites.

It could be called the Atlantic Spring, brothers, with the politicians first against the wall when the revolution comes!

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